I did love you.

I did love you. I loved you so much I couldn't breathe. You consumed my entire being, and that's why I let you treat me the way that you did. I don't know what you got out of destroying me time after time, but I hope you don't put anyone else through that. I waited for you. I gave you chance after chance and I left you with every last goddamn thing I had. And you took it all without a care in the world. I tried to hang on, because I thought you were worth it. But one day I just stopped waiting. I didn't want to hear "I miss you" anymore. Although I hope you fucking miss me. Once, I would've given you my last breath to hear you say that. I hope you see me so fucking happy that I look like I'm about to explode, and I hope it kills you. I hope you drop to the floor and feel like the breath is being sucked out of you and you realize what you gave up. Because I gave you the world. And I kept fighting long after I should have stopped. And you don't deserve that. Fuck you. 🖕🏼

I still don't want to believe...

I met you, randomly we started talking one day and you complimented me on everything. You said "You're gorgeous", "You're cute", etc. You asked about my past relationships, I told you. You said "I would never hurt you". You start flirting with me and I start to think you're a really nice boy, then I flirt back and you ask for my number and I give it to you. Quickly; speaking to you became my daily routine, you ask about my day and we can speak all night. The night conversations were always the best. You would always ask me if I'm tired or if I want to go to sleep but I would always say no and stay just to talk to you. I got butterflies every single time you would talk to me. I would tell my friends how much I liked you, the you told me you. I was over the moon with excitement. I felt like the happiest girl in the world but then one day, you randomly stopped talking to me, stops putting the effort in and I had no idea why, I know something changed but I was confused. You stopped putting effort in and I became all clingy and felt like a pest every time I picked up the strength to say "hi" to you. I came to the conclusion that its all my fault and you're mad at me for whatever I have done. You said "sorry, I've been busy" so I let it go, but for days after maybe weeks and you'd still be busy constantly. Every time I talked to you it became an argument over the most stupidest of things..then I stop putting the effort in thinking it worked both ways, but it doesn't. Then I stop speaking, weeks or months go by and we still would not speak. I noticed that you called every other girl "perfect" and all the other things you would call me. You were fine without me. You had already moved on and I am still mad and upset. You forgot about me a long time ago, and I still don't want to believe I got played.

You destroyed me

And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories, I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: "she loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I destroyed her."

10 things I wanted to tell you since we broke up

1. I just don't care anymore. I care about you as a person, sure. I always will. But not as my person.
2. I no longer feel butterflies in my stomach when you text me, only apprehension and confusion.
3. Your life no longer impacts me; there is no "us"
4. I always thought of you as an appendage to me and so when you left instead of sadness it felt more like phantom limb syndrome, but it doesn't hurt like it used to
5. I will always miss you a little; I will miss the person I first met and the opportunities we once had. But that was the old you, and I don't think the old you is coming back
6. I never fantasized about having your last name next to mine or scribbled it into the margins of my notebook, and maybe that says something about the future we never really had together
7. Each day I find myself thinking of you less and less and maybe one day I won't think about you at all.
8. I thought we could be friends; I thought I would need your companionship, but we were never friends and we probably never will be
9. I finally threw out the pictures of us together. I had been so afraid that if I threw out the pictures I would be throwing out those moments too, but memories aren't disposable. I will always cherish them, but I don't need them anymore
10. The human skin replenishes every 27 days. My mind remembers you, my heart remembers you, but my skin has never met you. It has never felt your hand on it while you laughed at one of my jokes. It has never felt you dig your fingers into my neck when you tried to keep me. I don't think it ever will, and that's ok with me

I am now ok.

Don't get me wrong, I miss you. I miss waking up and immediately checking my phone for a message. I miss waiting all week just for a Friday night of kisses and deep talks. I miss the feeling I got looking at your face and imagining how it looked for all of the years to come. I miss the butterflies that flew wild when someone mentioned your name. But then I remember all of the things I don't miss. I don't miss feeling sad all day when I didn't receive a single text. I don't miss all of the fights and being ignored for days at a time. I don't miss being second to all of the things that brought your sobriety to an end. I don't miss feeling like I barely mattered when you were the only thing that began to matter. So yes, sometimes I miss you, but then I remember how better off I am because a relationship like ours was so toxic; the kind that made some people jump off of bridges a swallow a month's supply of pills. I miss you, but your love was never the kind I wanted. - I'll be okay without you.

Tyler

It tears me apart inside to even see photographs of you, because I look at you and I think, 'Wow, that used to be mine, that person was a person I thought the world of, a person I would've done absolutely anything for, that's the face of a person I loved with my entire being, and that's the face of a person who fucking wrecked me.' It's sad, really how one minute you can have everything you've ever wanted and the next minute you could be collapsed on the floor of your shower trying to figure out if you want to be on this earth anymore because the person you loved to death doesn't love you like he use to anymore.

Fallin' Out

Been sitting, thinking about you
And I am wondering why we're not getting along
So frustrated because what we had was a happy home
I don't know what the situation is
But I could tell in the way we kiss
We don't talk no more, it feels better when I'm alone

Sometimes I feel like there's no getting through to you
Like you don't appreciate all that I do
You gotta show me that you want me to stay,
Don't turn and walk away?

Baby, I'm slowly falling out of love with you
I don't know what to do.
How did we end up here this way? What are we gonna do?
I'm slowly falling out baby, I'm tripping on silly things.
Boy, I need you to meet me halfway, if you want me to be with you.

I remember when I be with my friends, you checked on me and made time to call.
But now things have changed,
Now I don't hear from you at all.

Don't let your pride get in the way.
On something we worked so hard, don't throw it away
I've been trying to make you see everything you need is right here with me

I'm tired of giving my all.
How did we end here this way. I just want to know what are we going to do?
How did we end up here this way?

Fourth of July

You and I were, you and I were fire.
It was the fourth of July.
You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
that went off too soon.
And I miss you in the June gloom, too.
It was the fourth of July.
You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks.
I said I'd never miss you but I guess you never know.
May the bridges I have burned light my way back home
on the fourth of July.

I'll be as honest as you let me.
I miss your early morning company.
If you get me,
You are my favorite "what if"
You are my best "I'll never know"
And I'm starting to forget
Just what summer ever meant to you.
What did it ever mean to you?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of it.
I just got too lonely, lonely.
In between being young and being right.
You were my Versailles at night.

It was the fourth of July
You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
That went off too soon.
And I miss you in the June gloom, too.
It was the fourth of July
You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
I said I'd never miss you.
But I guess you never know
May the bridges I have burned light my way back home
On the fourth of July.

My 9 to 5 is cutting open old scars
Again and again 'til I'm stuck in your head.
Had my doubts, but I let them out.
You are the drought
And I'm the holy water you have been without.

And all my thoughts of you
They could heat or cool the room.
And no, don't tell me you're crying.
Oh, honey, you don't have to lie.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of it.
I just got too lonely, lonely.
In between young and being right.
You were my Versailles at night.

It was the fourth of July
You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
That went off too soon.
And I miss you in the June gloom, too
It was the fourth of July
You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
I said I'd never miss you.
But I guess you never know.
May the bridges I have burned light my way back home
On the fourth of July

I wish I'd known how much you loved me
I wish I cared enough to know
I'm sorry every song's about you
The torture of small talk with someone you used to love

It was the fourth of July
You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
That went off too soon.
And I miss you in the June gloom, too.
It was the fourth of July
You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
I said I'd never miss you.
But I guess you never know.
May the bridges I have burned light my way back home
On the fourth of July.

July 31, 2015

Today I looked through our pictures. I didn't cry, I smiled. You were a huge part of my life and we had great memories together. I'm happy that we were together, I'm not happy that it ended, or how it ended. But, you came into my life for a reason and you left for a reason. and now I have someone who will stay in my life for a reason. 

July 26, 2015

All you've been telling me about is your new girl that you're talking to. It's hard to hear you describe the things you do to her because we used to do those things. I shouldn't be thinking this but I can't stop wondering if I will ever get that again. I sit here and wonder if you're really that into her. I sit here and wonder if the only reason you're telling me all of this is because you want to make me jealous. Well it's kinda sorta working. I can't tell you any of this because then you will tell me to break up with my boyfriend. But I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. You're going to say "see you still want me" and "I'm better" and "you could've had me but you chose him." I don't know how much longer I can hide this from everyone. I need to focus on moving on but it's hard when you're doing everything to try and get me back. 

July 26, 2015

One of the hardest things to do is talk to you. Especially when all I want to do is talk to you. Seeing your face on FaceTime or hearing your voice over the phone kills me inside but I keep it to myself. I told you to move on because that is what I am trying to give myself a chance to do. But every time you tell me about another girl or I see you comment or like another girl's picture a part of me tells myself that she's not good enough for you. I ask myself the question: "then who is good enough for him?" Way, way, way deep down inside I think I'm the only one that's good enough. But I know there are plenty of others out there that are better. And you've proved that statement by the amount of times you cheated on me. Because I am never enough, especially for you. I called you on FaceTime tonight because I needed to get things off of my chest from my current boyfriend. I'm surprised you were okay with that. You're sleeping right now. You're the only one that my comfort level is high enough to actually fall asleep on FaceTime with. Before you fell asleep you told me you loved me. I froze. In my head I said it back. But I couldn't find it in me to physically say it back. That wouldn't be fair to Austin. Tonight you told me "you could've had me back ya know, but you didn't take that chance.." But do you remember how many chances I gave you? Too many. Way more than you deserved. I wish you could see things from my side. Because it's not all rainbows and butterflies on this side of the world. I wish it was. I wish you were still the guy I fell in love with. I wish you never cheated on me. I can forgive, but I can never forget how shitty you treated me. And that's what stops me every time.