July 31, 2015

Today I looked through our pictures. I didn't cry, I smiled. You were a huge part of my life and we had great memories together. I'm happy that we were together, I'm not happy that it ended, or how it ended. But, you came into my life for a reason and you left for a reason. and now I have someone who will stay in my life for a reason. 

July 26, 2015

All you've been telling me about is your new girl that you're talking to. It's hard to hear you describe the things you do to her because we used to do those things. I shouldn't be thinking this but I can't stop wondering if I will ever get that again. I sit here and wonder if you're really that into her. I sit here and wonder if the only reason you're telling me all of this is because you want to make me jealous. Well it's kinda sorta working. I can't tell you any of this because then you will tell me to break up with my boyfriend. But I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. You're going to say "see you still want me" and "I'm better" and "you could've had me but you chose him." I don't know how much longer I can hide this from everyone. I need to focus on moving on but it's hard when you're doing everything to try and get me back. 

July 26, 2015

One of the hardest things to do is talk to you. Especially when all I want to do is talk to you. Seeing your face on FaceTime or hearing your voice over the phone kills me inside but I keep it to myself. I told you to move on because that is what I am trying to give myself a chance to do. But every time you tell me about another girl or I see you comment or like another girl's picture a part of me tells myself that she's not good enough for you. I ask myself the question: "then who is good enough for him?" Way, way, way deep down inside I think I'm the only one that's good enough. But I know there are plenty of others out there that are better. And you've proved that statement by the amount of times you cheated on me. Because I am never enough, especially for you. I called you on FaceTime tonight because I needed to get things off of my chest from my current boyfriend. I'm surprised you were okay with that. You're sleeping right now. You're the only one that my comfort level is high enough to actually fall asleep on FaceTime with. Before you fell asleep you told me you loved me. I froze. In my head I said it back. But I couldn't find it in me to physically say it back. That wouldn't be fair to Austin. Tonight you told me "you could've had me back ya know, but you didn't take that chance.." But do you remember how many chances I gave you? Too many. Way more than you deserved. I wish you could see things from my side. Because it's not all rainbows and butterflies on this side of the world. I wish it was. I wish you were still the guy I fell in love with. I wish you never cheated on me. I can forgive, but I can never forget how shitty you treated me. And that's what stops me every time.