July 26, 2015

One of the hardest things to do is talk to you. Especially when all I want to do is talk to you. Seeing your face on FaceTime or hearing your voice over the phone kills me inside but I keep it to myself. I told you to move on because that is what I am trying to give myself a chance to do. But every time you tell me about another girl or I see you comment or like another girl's picture a part of me tells myself that she's not good enough for you. I ask myself the question: "then who is good enough for him?" Way, way, way deep down inside I think I'm the only one that's good enough. But I know there are plenty of others out there that are better. And you've proved that statement by the amount of times you cheated on me. Because I am never enough, especially for you. I called you on FaceTime tonight because I needed to get things off of my chest from my current boyfriend. I'm surprised you were okay with that. You're sleeping right now. You're the only one that my comfort level is high enough to actually fall asleep on FaceTime with. Before you fell asleep you told me you loved me. I froze. In my head I said it back. But I couldn't find it in me to physically say it back. That wouldn't be fair to Austin. Tonight you told me "you could've had me back ya know, but you didn't take that chance.." But do you remember how many chances I gave you? Too many. Way more than you deserved. I wish you could see things from my side. Because it's not all rainbows and butterflies on this side of the world. I wish it was. I wish you were still the guy I fell in love with. I wish you never cheated on me. I can forgive, but I can never forget how shitty you treated me. And that's what stops me every time.