I did love you.

I did love you. I loved you so much I couldn't breathe. You consumed my entire being, and that's why I let you treat me the way that you did. I don't know what you got out of destroying me time after time, but I hope you don't put anyone else through that. I waited for you. I gave you chance after chance and I left you with every last goddamn thing I had. And you took it all without a care in the world. I tried to hang on, because I thought you were worth it. But one day I just stopped waiting. I didn't want to hear "I miss you" anymore. Although I hope you fucking miss me. Once, I would've given you my last breath to hear you say that. I hope you see me so fucking happy that I look like I'm about to explode, and I hope it kills you. I hope you drop to the floor and feel like the breath is being sucked out of you and you realize what you gave up. Because I gave you the world. And I kept fighting long after I should have stopped. And you don't deserve that. Fuck you. 🖕🏼

I still don't want to believe...

I met you, randomly we started talking one day and you complimented me on everything. You said "You're gorgeous", "You're cute", etc. You asked about my past relationships, I told you. You said "I would never hurt you". You start flirting with me and I start to think you're a really nice boy, then I flirt back and you ask for my number and I give it to you. Quickly; speaking to you became my daily routine, you ask about my day and we can speak all night. The night conversations were always the best. You would always ask me if I'm tired or if I want to go to sleep but I would always say no and stay just to talk to you. I got butterflies every single time you would talk to me. I would tell my friends how much I liked you, the you told me you. I was over the moon with excitement. I felt like the happiest girl in the world but then one day, you randomly stopped talking to me, stops putting the effort in and I had no idea why, I know something changed but I was confused. You stopped putting effort in and I became all clingy and felt like a pest every time I picked up the strength to say "hi" to you. I came to the conclusion that its all my fault and you're mad at me for whatever I have done. You said "sorry, I've been busy" so I let it go, but for days after maybe weeks and you'd still be busy constantly. Every time I talked to you it became an argument over the most stupidest of things..then I stop putting the effort in thinking it worked both ways, but it doesn't. Then I stop speaking, weeks or months go by and we still would not speak. I noticed that you called every other girl "perfect" and all the other things you would call me. You were fine without me. You had already moved on and I am still mad and upset. You forgot about me a long time ago, and I still don't want to believe I got played.

You destroyed me

And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories, I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: "she loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I destroyed her."

10 things I wanted to tell you since we broke up

1. I just don't care anymore. I care about you as a person, sure. I always will. But not as my person.
2. I no longer feel butterflies in my stomach when you text me, only apprehension and confusion.
3. Your life no longer impacts me; there is no "us"
4. I always thought of you as an appendage to me and so when you left instead of sadness it felt more like phantom limb syndrome, but it doesn't hurt like it used to
5. I will always miss you a little; I will miss the person I first met and the opportunities we once had. But that was the old you, and I don't think the old you is coming back
6. I never fantasized about having your last name next to mine or scribbled it into the margins of my notebook, and maybe that says something about the future we never really had together
7. Each day I find myself thinking of you less and less and maybe one day I won't think about you at all.
8. I thought we could be friends; I thought I would need your companionship, but we were never friends and we probably never will be
9. I finally threw out the pictures of us together. I had been so afraid that if I threw out the pictures I would be throwing out those moments too, but memories aren't disposable. I will always cherish them, but I don't need them anymore
10. The human skin replenishes every 27 days. My mind remembers you, my heart remembers you, but my skin has never met you. It has never felt your hand on it while you laughed at one of my jokes. It has never felt you dig your fingers into my neck when you tried to keep me. I don't think it ever will, and that's ok with me

I am now ok.

Don't get me wrong, I miss you. I miss waking up and immediately checking my phone for a message. I miss waiting all week just for a Friday night of kisses and deep talks. I miss the feeling I got looking at your face and imagining how it looked for all of the years to come. I miss the butterflies that flew wild when someone mentioned your name. But then I remember all of the things I don't miss. I don't miss feeling sad all day when I didn't receive a single text. I don't miss all of the fights and being ignored for days at a time. I don't miss being second to all of the things that brought your sobriety to an end. I don't miss feeling like I barely mattered when you were the only thing that began to matter. So yes, sometimes I miss you, but then I remember how better off I am because a relationship like ours was so toxic; the kind that made some people jump off of bridges a swallow a month's supply of pills. I miss you, but your love was never the kind I wanted. - I'll be okay without you.

Tyler

It tears me apart inside to even see photographs of you, because I look at you and I think, 'Wow, that used to be mine, that person was a person I thought the world of, a person I would've done absolutely anything for, that's the face of a person I loved with my entire being, and that's the face of a person who fucking wrecked me.' It's sad, really how one minute you can have everything you've ever wanted and the next minute you could be collapsed on the floor of your shower trying to figure out if you want to be on this earth anymore because the person you loved to death doesn't love you like he use to anymore.